


who are you?

by justK



Series: finding my way [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, also, i do have something else in mind to continue this, i really dont know what this is, i was feeling kinda angsty, i wrote this in like one hour, it just came out, maybe two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:20:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26831302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justK/pseuds/justK
Summary: him that i love, i wish to be free —even from me.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Series: finding my way [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1958635
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31





	who are you?

**Author's Note:**

> not a native English speaker, i apologise for any mistake i may have.

_“who are you?”_

_“hi! i'm Ten, nice to meet you!”_

easygoing.

funny.

open.

sassy.

naughty.

reckless.

carefree.

childish.

spoiled.

free. 

if Taeyong could list all the best characteristics from Ten, he would start with this. that's how he first met him and that's how he fell in love with him. that's the way he encouraged him to be, not ever letting him lift a finger to do something extra, always listening, but never really sharing, because Ten was his boyfriend, with whom he longed to spend long, unbothered hours, not really the one he'd like to annoy with his problems and stress, not that Taeyong fancied doing that with anyone anyways. 

it was okay at the beginning, sharing everything with Ten didn't seem so necessary, mainly because for Taeyong the simple fact of coming back to him was already a way of letting things out. talking to him, laughing with him, living for him. Taeyong wanted to give him everything, as he wanted with every one of his members, often treating Ten as an elevated deity, up in a pedestal, trapping him up there without even knowing. there was no complaint, you know? so Taeyong assumed it was safe to keep it like this, that's the way he liked it, that's the way he wanted Ten in his life. he wanted to give him everything. to have Ten sitting on a throne, while he himself worked to built his court. he just never actually realised that Ten had near to nothing, because he was to occupied keeping him for himself. 

it was okay. 

but, _something went wrong along the way._

... 

_“who are you?”_

the words came out of his mouth as soon as the thought flashed his mind. Ten turned his head at him, amusement written on his face, his eyes looking — and feeling — like, either, two guns or two sharp knives. 

_“i'm Ten.”_ came the answer. he did not hesitate, it almost felt light, unbothered, easy. and right, maybe to Ten it really felt that way, but, could he blame him? _“don't you know me?”_

_yes._

“i-” he got stuck. “i'm not sure, i don't know,” he paused and then raised his eyes from where they had fallen when he hesitated. “no. i'm not sure i do anymore.” 

“but _i am_ the same.” 

_no_ , he wanted to say. 

i mean, _yes_ , Ten was still Ten, something from him obviously remained. he looked the same, maybe just the lines from his face had gotten sharper, but his frame, his outline, was still the same. his hair colour was different, so were his clothes, but that's something not entirely Ten, so it didn't count. his nose had the same small beautiful curious tip that gave his side profile such particularity. his height hadn't changed, his weight looked pretty much the same. he still moved gracefully from one place to the other, his back was as straight and his posture as impeccable as always. but there was something about the manner his shoulders hunched slightly for brief seconds that Taeyong didn't quite recognise. and that's when everything started to look different. 

sometimes the outline of his shoulders, neck and head seemed tired, not exactly crestfallen, but it didn't look as immaculate as it once had. his hands seemed tense most of the time, pulled up into tight fists, as if he was either stressed or angry at something, or _someone_ , ready to throw up a fight. his comments came in sometimes delayed, not as witty as before, sometimes they were absent even, as he was. he spent less time at the dorms and more time doing god knows what. Taeyong just knew that he got up early, he made sure to leave some breakfast for the dreamies and made sure everyone was up and ready to go before he himself departing and not coming back until very late, according to Jeno, looking exhausted, limping across the living room to get some of the food Kun had taken upon himself to prepare. 

he was thoughtful a lot of times, he seemed defensive some others, a little bit sad the minority of the time, but it was still a small something that was there, lingering. even with that all, when Taeyong looked at Ten, he somehow looked the same, as if his superpower was to remain unfazed. he's sure most of the members hadn't even realised Ten's progressive absence and change in demeanour. _but he could_. Taeyong could and still he _wasn't_ able to stop it. he couldn't stop that hint of sadness that made its way through Ten's eyes, making that marvelous, cat-looking stare seem droopy, like his eyes were smiling and the pretty curve of his lid embracing his irises, the sharp tip of the inner corners looking majestic, but it lacked brightness, it lacked that characteristic Ten's playfulness. it looked _empty_. 

he couldn't stop his smile from faltering either. Ten smiled. and his smile was perfect, pristine, sublime, but it didn't shine. his laugh still resounded in the corners, but it wasn't the same melody, it wasn't the call that Taeyong used attend to, he couldn't understand it anymore, it wasn't the same language, it was like Ten was now calling out to _someone else._

“yes,” came out Taeyong's answer. “i suppose you are.” 

_Ten smiled_. his bare face looking angelic, but then again something felt a little bit off, like yes, his dashing smile was directed towards him, but he didn't feel like he was the target, as if that perfect work of art was meant for a different audience, an audience he didn't quite fit in. 

his heart fluttered all the same, as if nothing had changed, as if there weren't enough reasons to, at least, make it miss a beat within his confusion. i guess Taeyong was just fighting against it, because _this_ was still _Ten_ , _right?_ probably it were just his nerves, it wasn't worth it to doubt it, nothing would ever make him falter away from Ten. he had made himself that promise long ago, that, it didn't matter why, he'd much rather have him always, even in the simplest of forms, than letting him go. 

_Taeyong smiled back._

... 

life continued to go on, and Taeyong, as long as he was busy, couldn't feel any change in their routine and relationship at all. they met at least twice a week off-schedule, they ate what Taeyong cooked, they watched movies, sometimes, very carefully of course, they would go out on the streets, do whatever a normal couple would, within their possibilities. 

Taeyong loved it when they could go out, he liked walking on the streets holding his hand, it felt like he could shout and tell the world how much he loved this man, it was like walking around and telling everybody on their way _“look! he's mine!”_. of course it wasn't exactly like that. whenever they did go out they would visit either a place for influential people only, because even if they saw, there was no way they could talk about it, they had as much to hide as them; or they went to really unknown, abandoned and even poor places, where people couldn't even care less about keeping informed about famous people. he liked it when he could choose his clothes, not letting them be too formal or too comfy, because they generally laid on the extremes: formal, fancy, expensive for performing and the public eye, and extremely loose and comfy when practising. but whenever he went out with Ten, he could choose an in between, like any other man his age, he could comb his hair, use some accessories, make up was not necessary. and the thing he liked the most was the feeling of warmth spreading in his chest, the butterflies fluttering in his stomach, feeling like some school girl that was about to go out with the boy she's been pining on secretly for so long. what Taeyong liked was that that feeling didn't seem to go away or disappear no matter how much time had passed. 

he also absolutely adored when Ten came out of his dorm adjusting his sunglasses, or his cap, or whatever accessory he had decided to use that day, with a slight, barely visible makeup done by himself, looking as classy as only he could. but Taeyong also found that he enjoyed the sight of his boyfriend — unspoken boyfriend — in just plain shirt, pants, sock dressed feet, glasses on top of his nose, a cup of hot Thai tea that his mother sent every other week, his hair falling messily over his forehead, his eyes slightly sleepy, and just in general, a small looking Ten, calm, peaceful, in his most natural state. 

when the filming for _Baby Don't Sto_ p came, Taeyong felt it brief as a second, despite him wanting to elongate the hours. that entire first part of the year, actually, had passed by quite blurry, fast as never before, ever since Ten passed the door of his bedroom one cold December night at exactly nine thirty eight pm. 

_“i'm in a group!”_ he had exclaimed, Taeyong remember he had furrowed his brows in pure confusion, because, wasn't he in NCT already? 

_“what?” was the only logical thing he could ask._

_“well,” Ten started, sitting at the end of the bed. “i mean, it's still NCT in a way. remember all this Lee Sooman project?” Taeyong nodded, how could he not? he was told back then that he was to be the leader once it fully blossomed. “well, now the chinese sub-unit is confirmed, but like, for real.” his smile had been so bright it almost reached his eyes. “we're debuting next year!” he exclaimed._

_and Taeyong knew he was to be excited, but he couldn't move. call it shock, call it whatever, probably the fact that Sooman hadn't talked to him about something regarding NCT for the first time in years. you can also call it selfishness, because Ten was to debut and maybe Taeyong wasn't the perfect leader after all, because he found himself wanting to keep Ten all to himself, even if that meant feeling reluctant to let him go to another country, with other people, doing what he loved with someone else._

_“isn't this the best thing ever?” Ten spoke again, his voice pulling him out of his head. Taeyong nodded enthusiastically._

_“of course!” he responded, standing on his feet and going over to him. “i'm so happy for you.”_

don't get me wrong, it's not like Taeyong wasn't happy, he was just having a hard time accepting that Ten wouldn't be there anymore, at least not as before. and you know? he wasn't wrong. 

immediately after promotions ended, Sicheng, Yukhei, Kun and Ten packed everything up and left, immediately jumping onto their new dorm in China, where the other three new members were already waiting. they had also a dorm reserved for them in Korea, it was to be the principal one, but they wouldn't really use it until two months later, after they fixed all the necessary documents and some other things they needed to handle. 

slowly, everything that Taeyong had noticed before started to blossom even more, it was more evident that Ten was indeed not the same. he hadn't dared think it was something bad, he rather saw it as an adaptation process at the beginning, later, he came to know it wasn't like that at all. 

when they were together, on their first days, Ten hadn't really been the sort of person to belong somewhere, like he really didn't fancy taking care of people or being taken care of, and that was totally fine, Taeyong wasn't going to judge, his life might had been different and it was okay. after sometime, however, Ten started to fall more loose, without changing his true persona, he still was reluctant to accept physical demonstration of affection and he lacked some empathy, but he found a balance in his own way. 

let me tell you that Taeyong has always been responsible and caring and everything that you know him for, he's an excellent leader indeed, but that also meant that he was used — and i think even liked —, or programmed to do everything by himself, he didn't like to ask for help, or he just wasn't used to it and so he didn't accept it coming from others frequently. whatever help he received from Doyoung was mainly due to the fact that his groupmate is stubborn as hell; the fact that Mark, Jaemin and Jeno had also gained a leader-mother-father reputation was because they sometimes didn't have Taeyong with them and they had to find ways to manage; Kun had also taken upon himself to take care of every chinese member he encountered in his life. still, Taeyong was the mom, if that was even a term, he always had been and would always be, that's why he unconsciously pushed away people that worried about him or wanted to help, most of them weren't bothered by this fact at all, going back happily to being Taeyong's children once more. some others just showed concern and support. others directly didn't do anything, because they loved to be babied way too much. so you'll get me when i tell you that when Ten started to show more of his protective side, he felt somehow rejected by Taeyong, that had already started to be his unspoken boyfriend. that, added to the fact that Taeyong spent twenty six hours out of the twenty four available of the day doing things nonstop, while Ten barely had anything to do regarding NCT, resulted in Ten slowly drifting away, because it wasn't entirely Taeyong's faul either, Ten felt himself too coward (yes, just like you read it) to talk it out with him. 

naturally, when Ten was taken away with WayV, he had extremely little time to spend with Taeyong, and that assuming he wasn't off to china. talking to him was becoming progressively more difficult too, their schedules didn't match and, more often than not, Taeyong was told off by Ten in more than one way. 

_“oh, i'm sorry, i'm taking Yangyang to the mall.”_

_“i'm in the supermarket.”_

_“i'm helping Kun with the cooking.”_

_“i don't have much time, i have to take Yukhei to the doctor.”_

_“i'm in dance practice with Sicheng.”_

_“Dejun asked me to help him with some arrangements.”_

_“we're painting the bedroom with Kunhang.”_

_“i'm taking Louis out for a walk.”_

so when both, Ten and Taeyong, had time, and both were in korea, Ten jumped straight to NCT 127's fifth floor onto Taeyong's bed. their meetings were the regular and Taeyong would tell you that everything was okay if not for two things: Ten's aura was _definitely not the same,_ and his presence wasn't as _warm_ as before. 

with luck, Ten could — or would — spend one night a week with him, dedicated to sex only, if it's safe to say that, and two more days talking and doing other activities, as if he was trying desperately to prove something, sometimes it felt forced, not natural, like Ten was running away, just not from him, and most definitely not towards him either. 

“you know you can tell me anything.” 

it was silent, so the shifting in the bed was heard. Ten was laying on the bed facing the wall, his naked body covered by the fluffiest of covers. he turned slowly. 

“i know,” he answered. Taeyong turned his head from where he was sitting on the bed, facing the centre of the room. “why'd you say it, though?” 

Taeyong shook his head. 

“it's just that now you're faraway, busy most of the time, we don't have much time to ourselves,” they locked eyes. “i just want you to know that nothing has to change.” 

_oh, but it already has._

“right.” 

silence. 

Taeyong breathed loudly and nodded. he didn't even know if he was expecting something else, but he still felt disappointed. 

Taeyong reached for Ten's hand in the middle of the covers. it was strangely _cold_. 

... 

it all came clear to Taeyong when he had the opportunity to see the WayV members in their practice room. Taeyong had finished early and he had the hope of spending some time with Ten, probably wait for him and head somewhere after. 

the younger members were messing around, dragging Sicheng along with them, he looked like a good older brother indulging them, everyone laughing. and there, at the back of the room, were Kun and Ten sitting side by side, laughing too, some expressions of fake disgust over their faces for brief moments before breaking into a sight of pure love. among the amicable chaos, there was Ten looking like a proud mom, directing a glance towards Kun that Taeyong couldn't quite place, but what he could tell, was that _this_ _was Ten_. this wasn't the Ten he had met years ago, not even the same one he had seen the night before. this should be the signal that this was definitely _not_ Ten. except he somehow was. Taeyong didn't know this person, not completely at least. but he could tell, _oh_ , there was no way he could deny, _this was Ten._ in the realest state he had ever had the pleasure of witnessing. 

he spent the following days wondering if Ten hadn't really been Ten before. what had he done wrong not to unveil his realest side? whatever it had been, that day broke their relationship, _as if it wasn't already broken before_ , Taeyong thought. 

Taeyong continued to receive him in his arms and in his bed, even after he felt how their relationship fell, _hard_. remember i told you Taeyong had promised himself he wouldn't let him go? well, he truly meant it. 

when they met at the practice room for SuperM debut, it was even clearer to him, he could tell by the way Yukhei, _giant tough Yukhei_ , clinged to him like a scared child, going back to him at the end of the day, like a bird returning safe and sound to its nest. he also saw Kun and Yangyang waiting outside the building for them, with some bags of food and blankets on the seats of the van, a small, improvised, movable representation of home. at least, that's what it looked like to Taeyong. 

_“what is home to you?”_

_“hum,” hummed Ten. “well, my favourite definition is a safe place, a place where one is free from attack, a place where one experiences secure relationships and affirmation. a place where people share and understand each other. where relationships are nurturing. the people in it do not need to be perfect, instead, they need to be loving, supportive, recognising a common humanity that makes all of us vulnerable.”_

_“and… are you home?”_

_Ten hesitated, his eyes wandered around for a moment before answering:_

_“yes.”_

but Ten had looked around to confirm that _this_ indeed _wasn't_ home. that _yes_ was rather an affirmation, he had said he had a home and that it was somewhere around, probably very near, but he never really specified where it was. it wasn't necessary. Taeyong knew that most definitely he wasn't referring to _this_. 

... 

if Taeyong could pick up the landscape he liked the most, he'd most likely say this: in a room, with twenty three men, three pets, lots of food, music in the background, movement everywhere, lights blinking, bodies dancing, voices laughing, and in the middle of it all, _Ten_ , sitting elegantly in a sofa, with a glass of wine between his slender fingers, his posture unbeatable, his hair combed loosely but perfectly, slight makeup on his face, piercings shining under the light, nose scrunched up in laughter along with his crescent looking eyes and a big bright smile, looking the happiest he'd ever looked, the realest he'd ever let himself be, the most comfortable he had allowed himself to be, projecting a protective aura over his fellow chinese members and leaning onto _Kun_ , wrapped up lovingly in each other arms. 

was Taeyong selfish? _not anymore._

was he a masochist? _probably yes._

did he love Ten? _like he had never loved anyone before._

had he let him go? _not entirely_. 

but, was he okay? _yes_. _because he loved Ten. and Ten seemed happy. so, why wouldn't he?_

... 

_“hyung, we need to talk.”_

_“it's not necessary,” Taeyong had said._

_“huh?”_

_“you're free.” Ten only looked at him, confused. “i'll let you go, Ten-ah,” Ten blinked. “wasn't that what you wanted?”_

_“...yes,” Ten answered carefully._

_“then it's yours.”_

_“but hyung,” the younger objected. “i want you to know it's not because of you. i just-” he was trying to arrange his words. “i just found everything that i wasn't even looking for.”_

_“Ten,” he paused. “it's okay. you owe me no explanation.”_

_“i'm sorry.”_

_“so am i.”_

now, if Taeyong wanted to list all Ten's good characteristics, he'd start exactly the same:

_easygoing._

_funny._

_open._

_sassy._

_naughty._

_reckless._

_carefree._

_childish._

_spoiled._

_free._

he just had come to learn and understand the _real_ purpose and meaning laying _within_. 

Ten wasn't meant to be treated as if made of crystal; as if he was a prince or a princess and a realm was to be built _for_ him. instead, Ten was meant to be treated as if made of iron; as if he was a king or a queen and the kingdom was to be built _by_ him. 

_who are you?_

_'cause you're not the one i fell in love with._

or maybe you are, i just never knew it… till now. 


End file.
